death, hair, shoes, not in that order

Saturday night and here I am at midnight, writing this. How cool am I? I definitely need to get a social life. I haven't been out in what feels like a long time. The last time I got drunk was on new years eve. Not that I'm obsessed with getting drunk or anything, I just mean, I haven't had a night out in ages. And I want one, before whats left of my wages gets spent on stupid shit like bills. Also I bought three pairs of shoes recently and its high time I broke them in. I can't believe I haven't wrote about the shoe bargains yet! Have I? Well anyway, I went to Matalan with my mam a few days after new years, cause its pretty close to where I live. The sale was amazing, if I had realised how good, I might have gone over on new years day at opening time and just ran around with a trolley buying everything, supermarket sweep style. But anyway, I'm more than content with the shoes. I'll post pictures when I take them, but the shoes, I got two pairs for £2 each, can you believe that, TWO POUNDS for a pair of shoes! Muahaha. Madness. They're nice as well, really nice. I bought another pair in the sales but they were slightly more expensive, at a hefty £6. I'm not sure why I bought them, cause in a way I find them kind of ugly. But I'm finding recently that I'm totally having a thing for quite ugly shoes.
Anyway enough of that, what was I on about. Ohh yeah, social life. Night out to be arranged soon.
On a similar tangent, I finally gave in and called the jobcentre place. I'm going to go back to a life of going to the jobcentre every two weeks to sign a piece of paper so I'll get some money. Iv been putting off doing this, cause going there, and being on jobseekers makes me feel shitty. I should have done it on my last day of work, I could have been getting money by now. But I am an idiot. Also I was holding off in the hopes of getting one of two jobs I applied for over a week ago. One in a milkshake shop, and one in an ice cream shop. My friend told me about the milkshake one, so I dunno how long they had been advertising. But the ice cream one was coincidental, I happened to have a few copies of cover letters and my CV's, and the advert was in the window and said something like "immediate start required/available" which filled me with hope, as I had stated on my cover letter that I am available to start work immediately. Also I had high hopes, cause having "Elf" looks amazing on your CV, shows that you're approachable and friendly and chatty. So I though. It hasn't kicked in yet though. I'm pissed off that they didn't get back to me haha. I know its stupid, but I've kind of taken it personally. But fuck it, what can you do.
Lets move onto less depressing ventures.
Actually, lets stick with depressing things for the moment.

I was walking to town the other day with my mam, across the park near where I live, that I've gotta go across to get into town. We were quite far from the road, well not that far really, but the furthest we could have been, cause we'd only just left the house.
Anyway, along the road there is a funeral procession. The graveyard is just down the road from where I live. There were two beautiful white horses, they had big pink feather plumes and they were pulling a white carriage. It was really sad. I can't be sure, but I think it was a funeral for a little girl. We were too far away to see the coffin.
Its a weird thing, seeing a funeral procession. Not seeing them very often, it slips to the back of your mind, the fact that one day, maybe even today, you're gonna die. I'm scared of dying, really fucking scared of it. Not just cause I'm 23 and I don't wanna die before I've "lived", just the actual dying part y'know. Its a very strange sensation, as I'm sat here typing this,knowing that one day I'm gonna have to. Its already written out, maybe. One day it'll be my funeral procession slowly making its way down the road, depressing all who happen to be going by. I wonder how it'll happen, my death, but I'm glad I don't know. My favourite death scenario is going by spontaneous human combustion, literally going out with a bang. It'd be ace, to just be walking along the high street, with my zimmer frame, about to head into bon marche, and suddenly just bursting into flames, with nothing left to remember me by except maybe a few fingers or an ear.
I watched a Richard Pryor stand up video a while ago, this might actually be my favourite thing he's ever said (that I've seen so far), he said that his dad died during sex -
"My father died fucking. He did. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18, my father came and went at the same time" Hahaha, genius. That would be a pretty good way to go as well, for yourself, but not for the other party involved I guess. Though it would be quite nice, knowing that you'd gave them a good send off. I read a story in my aunties magazine about a girl who had a brain hemorrhage or something like that, while she was masturbating. She was OK in the end, I can't remember if that's what caused it, but it was a funny story. As far as stories about brain hemorrhages go.
But anyway, back to being morbid just for a little bit more, it was sad seeing a little girls funeral. But at the same time, when I seen it, I wished I had been closer, I wished I had been right at the crossing as it went past. I don't know why. I kind of have a funny relationship with the dead (not in a "I can see dead people" kind of way). I guess I just have a bit of a morbid fascination with it. I often wonder if I could work in a funeral home, you know, dress them and put on their make up. I think I could do it, but its one of those things, I wouldn't know unless I gave it a go, and I doubt that'll ever happen. But I am curious. Maybe I should get work experience in one. Maybe that'll be my job one day, if I don't become a circus acrobat or a stay at home cake baker.
Anyway, that's all I've got about death now I think.
Apologies for talking about it for so long!

NOW lets get into the good stuff. Sorry if that got your hopes up, I don't really have any good stuff to talk about. Umm. 17 days into the new year, its going fast already. I really hope I get a new job soon. I'd forgotten how good it is, getting regular wages, I mean I didn't get paid a bomb being an elf, but it was so nice getting paid weekly, and having loads more than I ever did on jobseekers, cause I had to give my mam half every time, well not give her I don't suppose, but donate to the bills and the shopping, blah blah. Something which I'm sure I will come back to another time. I still had to give some of it when I got a job, but it was ace still having a lot (to me) left. It was nice being able to spend £8 on a necklace and feel okay about it. I would never have spent that much on jewellery at any other time, but it felt ok buying this one cause it was was like, "oh its ok, 8 pounds isn't so much, plus I get paid next week" Here's the necklace im talking about, im in love with it, I love it so much maybe I would have bought it even if I didn't have much, thats how much I like it. Its from accessorize and its already my favourite jewellery



Also it was just good going to work, it was great not being a dole bum, and having a job to go to. And its probably the first place I've worked where everyone was around my age, my job before that in the card shop, the people were nice but they were all like mam age. There was a girl my age who was really quiet, and a boy about my age who was really fat and who's arse crack used to make an appearance every time he bent over, which is making me feel a little bit sick just recalling it. Yeah he was a hottie. Anyway, the grotto crew, as I like to call them, we're going bowling soon, which should be fun. I'm shit at bowling, but it should still be fun.

I haven't stuck to most resolutions yet. Not attempted the splits for a while, not tried the black pudding so far. However there is one thing that's been good so far, I forgot to write it down but one of my resolutions is to have a go at scherenschnitte. I discovered it a while ago, actually I have noo idea how I stumbled across it, but I found that there was a book, a really beautiful book called "this is for you" by a man called Rob Ryan. Scherenschnitte is the art of paper cutting. Think those snowflakes you make at christmas where you fold a circle a few times and snip out shapes. Like that, except so much more beautiful. Rob Ryan's book is basically, from what I can gather, just a lot of paper cuts he's done, and they're all very romantic and lovey. From what I've learnt on google though, there is quite a lot of people that do it. If you have a google for it, and hit up the image section, you'll see what they're like. I actually cant believe how amazing and gorgeous they are, they're just such amazing works of art, I didn't know paper could be used in such a good way. I haven't seen one that I didn't love. Here's one I found on google that I really really liked. I saved it to my computer but I can't find it on google again, I don't remember what I was searching for when I found it which is a shame, but good job I kept it.



Nice no? Well anyway, I decided it would be nice to get into it, learn how to do it and stuff. So the other night I had a go at making one. I found a fairy in a newspaper so I cut her out and made a little stencil out of her, and had a go of cutting her out. It wasn't bad for my first attempt. And I didn't think much about it, I only really did it cause I found a little plasticy stanley knife in the house and figured I might as well give it a go. So that was my first foray into Scherenschnitte. So last night I decided to have a "proper" go. I set out all my stuff and actually sat at the table, it all felt very proper. But my instruments were pretty rudimentary, the "craft knife" was a cheapo little stanley knife made out of very cheap plastic (probably part of a set from the pound shop) my "cutting mat" was a magazine with some cardboard box underneath, and my "proper craft paper" was just paper stolen from the printer. And the stencil I got from the Internet was traced from the computer screen, as opposed to printing it out, cause we've no printer ink.
It was surprisingly good though, the outcome, if I may say so myself. It didn't take long to do, just over 10 minutes I would say, and the blade cutting across the paper was very therapeutic. The curves are the trickiest part cause I couldn't do them very well with my knife. But overall, doing it really really inspired me, and already I understand loads more about how it works and which bits to cut out, as opposed to when I was doing my fairy and I was playing about with the scraps trying to make something nice which didn't happen at all. Anyway, here's my finished cut.


I'm gonna try and get a proper cutting mat and craft knife in the next week. Then I can start properly.


Right-ho. In other news I'm having a bit of a hair crisis. I had it cut a little bit, sometime in I think November, sometime around Christmas anyway. Just to get rid of the spit ends. It was ok. But I'm bored of it now, the last haircut I had before that was quite a while ago, and the hairdresser put loads of layers in. Which I sort of asked for cause I didn't want a really blunt boring straight across cut. And I did like it for quite a while. But I just realised recently how many layers there is. I think I've just got a lot of hair, which kind of sounds like a stupid statement I know cause everyone's got millions of hairs. I just mean, it doesn't feel thick, it just feels like theres lots of it.
Maybe it just feels like that cause its so long. But yeah layers. I'm not gonna blame the hairdresser cause I did like it for a long time, and I think I just don't like it now cause the hairs changed, just cause of the way/rate its grown. I realised that I'm gonna have to just grow the shorter layers out, cause even though I'm not opposed to having a short haircut, if it all got cut to the length of the shortest layers, its too short for how I want it at the moment. In hair conclusion, I'm thinking of reverting back to a blunt, straight-across haircut. Its not something I thought I wanted, but when I got my hair cut at crimbo, there was some quite nice blunt styles in the hair magazine I was looking at. Also I really miss straightening and curling my hair, my straightners got broke like 5 months ago and I haven't got round to buying new ones. Im not much of a straightner kind of girl, but I did use them occasionally, it feels wierd not having done it for a long time, maybe thats why im restless for a haircut, cause I've not really been able to do anything different with it.
And also in conclusion, I'm considering getting a fringe cut back in, I think it might be time. I basically spent my whole life with a fringe, till about 2006 when I got sick of having to cut it every two weeks cause it just grew so fast. It wasn't really a style decision, I just thought I'd stop doing it and see how it went. The in between stage was nice, it was just long enough to still be a fringe, but I could still swish it to the side. But I kind of want to go back to it. I'm not 100% sure, but I think its a risk worth taking, cause fringes grow dead fast anyway, and if I hate it, I know I can grow it out again quickly, or I could just clip it back. I had this whole debate with myself about 6 months ago but I guess I decided against it, but it seems right this time, I'm spending more time considering it. I definitely don't like it how is it now, its sort of like a comb over for the front of the head. Its not a nice thick sweepy side fringe like how I hoped it would turn out, its more just like a slick of hair that's not quite fringe and not quite in with the rest of the hair.



In other news, my auntie is coming up tomorrow, (today if you wanna get technical) Umm I don't actually know why she's coming, I guess just cause we didn't see her or any of my cousins at crimbo, so I'm guessing we'll get presents tomorrow which is nice, kind of like crimbo number 2. I also think my other cousin/s are gonna be here too but they, um actually this is much too complicated to explain haha. They're all kind of messed up, there's a big deal going on at the moment which deserves its own post which I'm sure I'll get around to some time.
But yea, tomorrow should be OK. Its good craic when my auntie comes cause she likes to get take away food when she comes here for some reason, convenience I suppose. So yeah, hopefully junk food ahoy tomorrow evening. Uhh I've been doing this for ages, I bet its dead long, I bet nobody will even get to the end of this haha. But oh well. I think I might have sorted the clicky bigger picture thing, but knowing my luck it still wont have worked as expected. Nobody gave me told me how to do it last time which was a bit disappointing seeing as I have too short a fuse to work it out on my own. The other response wasn't disappointing, but was mysterious. I bet its someone pulling my leg.
Right, fuckin' hell, Im gonna shut up and go to bed now.