Carrion

I have come back to finish the previous. I didnt like doing it in sections before, it was weird. Im gonna have to just keep writing and think of ways to somehow integrate all the daft stuff that i menna write about before.

Okay so I should start with the circus but i've decided to do that one last of all, you'll see why later. What else is there, Ohh the moon. It's been shining right in my room the last few nights, there's nothing i really wanted to say about it exactly, just that is pretty cool. Pretty AND cool. I was suprised at how bright the light is when i turned off my tv/computer last night. Its lower tonight though than it has been, but it looked ace the other night, i didnt even have to sit up to see it, it was just shining in my window. And a bit before that it had this wierd brown ring around it, probably from all the ICI/factories polloution, it looked really eerie.
Yesterday it proper snowed loads, i woke up and out of the window i could see flakes of it falling down, i wasnt really expecting it to have laid but when i got up properly i seen that it had, it'd been snowing since 10am my mam said, and got up about 11. Then it just snowed all day untill about 5pm when it started raining. What a bastard, i was gutted and proper annoyed. It seemed like the whole of the uk had loads, and we were finally getting some at last. The rain didnt wash it away instantly but today it'd all gone. While it was here though, i manged to get stuck into it a little bit, walking the dog. I gleefully made a tiny snowman, dont know why i'd never thought of making small snowmen before, i even gave him tiny stick arms, but no face. Then i went and hurled snowballs at a tree.
It snowed, again for one day, the other week (and again, dissapeared the next day) which was nice, the first snow of the year, i was annoyed that it was late (e.g, not in time for christmas) but it was so lovely, i didnt really mind, and was just excited to have snow for the first time in aaages. My mam suggested that i make a snow angel, but i thought nahh i'll do one tomorrow, but of course, i didnt get the chance again! Some kids had made a snowman, i was bemused to notice that not only had they given him two stick arms, but also two stick eyes. It was pretty creepy/funny. I think the two best things about snow are the way it falls, just that is so slow, i remember just watching it for ages, falling, a few years back at my grandads house. Imagine if rain fell so slowly, it'd be weird. And the other best thing is that it brightens everything up, white rooftops are so much nicer than dull black slate ones. Anywayy, looks like the snow here is gone untill next year now. I'll miss the snow, but i'll be happy to see summer.

Ok. So money, im having money kerfuffles. In that, i have no money. Nahh. I never have money and i never really usually mind, seeing as i dont exactly have a going-out-every-weekend type of social life. My mam has really been pestering me to sign on though, and I've eventually caved. I wouldnt have, only, im not sure of how it all works, something along the lines of if I do go on the dole, i'll make our house rent cheaper. And i feel proper bad on my mam cause she's always going on about how skint we are recently. I think we finally used up the last of what my grandad left her, so thats why we're uber skint now. Bills to pay and all that, we cant cancell our Virgin (tv/internet) cause they charge you £92 to disconnect which is a fucking outrage like.
Anyway, yeah, all in all, im only doing it for my mam. Seeing as she's brought me up all my life and looked after me and all that sentimental shit, i guess its the least i can do.
If it were upto me i'd stay in my own little hidden away world. It was like, yeah i have no job, but your not paying for me to sit here and do nowt, so you can fuck off hassling me. Know what i mean? I Would like a job, for sure, but i guess im just picky, and i know i cant really afford to be picky, and there's a reccession, blah blah, but whats the point in me going to a job i hate, and then quitting cause its so shit. My dad used to always badger me to get a job at garlands, and i was always just like, no, i know i'll hate it, and i'll be shit in a call centre job anyway.
Its stupid i know, but i just always feel a bit better about myself that i wasnt a dole bum. Even though really it was just cutting off my nose, and everyone was saying "you should go on it!" i didnt want to, i didnt want to be one of them. And i really didnt fancy going to the jobcentre every two weeks to discuss what im doing. I know it's there to help and everything, its a pretty depressing place though! I dunno. So yeah. Here i am, waiting for them to phone me back and send me paperwork so i can get £47.95 a week, or a fortnight, whatever it is.
Im trying to look on the plus side, at least i'll have a bit of money now, i'll be able to spend £5 on a little tub of bodyshopbrazilnut lip butter. And i wont have to go scrounging off my dad everytime i want a night out.
Phew!
So moving on, i was on about crisps before. I seen an advert saying vote for your favourite weird flavour. You know, that walkers thing right. And i thought, ohh can we only vote for one, i want to taste them all. Anyway i never really thought about it anymore, but then i seen in a shop, all 6 flavours are actually out, your supposed to try all of them, and vote for your favourite, D'oh, silly me for not realising. So yeah, i was pleasantly suprised by that. I want to try chocolate chili crisps. I remember having them at school when the teachers brought them in for us all to try. I liked them, i always hoped they'd come back, and now they have. Awooga.

Ok, in other news, out of boredom the other day i decided to research La Tomatina. Its that festival in spain where loads of people line the streets and have a massive tomato throwing fight. I know maybe it doesnt sound that incredible, but if you haven't heard of it, google it and look at the pictures, it looks ace. And even though me and laura have practically vowed to make sure we go to Leeds this year, if the line up turns out to be shit, i will very seriously consider going to Tomatina instead.
Speaking of spain, this kind of leads me onto my next point, the lovely lovely Nadal, *swoon*. I actually got up at 8.45 on a Sunday, just to watch the Australian Open final. It was completely worth it. Honestly though, even though i probably wouldn't have if he wasn't in it, i didn't just get up entirely with the intention of being a fangirl and just eyeballing him.
I have grown to really like tennis, not that i disliked it before, i just didnt really think anything of it. But now i basically understand all the terms, and now when i watch a match i know whats going on, its really good. The closer it got to ending, the faster my heartrate was going, it was pretty tense. He won in the end like which was nice. My heart completely broke for poor Fed though, i really really like him, he's just such a nice guy, and at that point he just looked like a broken man. And he was crying, he fucking cried! Awe! I dont think anyone expected that. It showed you his girlfriend in the crowd, when he broke down doing his speech, and she was really shocked, her hand was over her mouth, like she just couldnt believe it. I was mentally willing her to just get the fuck up and go over and give him a massive hug. Poor bastard.

Okay, anyway, im coming back to the circus thing now, cause it all sort of links in in with Valentines day, and boys.
I think maybe my calling in life is to be an acrobat, or you know, something like that, something circusey. Stockton festival really inspired me. Afterwards i was googling around for circus schools, there's a cool on one London that's based in what used to be a powerstation. Anyway, i forgot about it for a bit (but i still vowed to practise handstanding every day) But then a few weeks ago i got thinking about it again, i went to this little kids circus thing that came here at christmas, it was just for kids really but we went anyway, it was really fun. Thats what sort of sparked me off again i guess, and after that i found this http://www.zipposcircus.co.uk/aca/aca.htm Its this course, it lasts for 6 months througout the summer, and they teach you all these different skills and stuff, and your basically touring the whole time, and learing how to set up the big top and everything. They rent you trailers to live in, or if you have your own campervan or owt you can bring that. It sounds absoloutely wicked. Its expensive though, i think the fee is like £2,600 for the course, thats not including your insurance, trailer rent, money to live off, money to buy extra props and stuff. But imagine how much fun it'd be, just travelling around the country all summer learning how to do circusey things. Definately worth the money i reckon. They say age and ability isn't important either.
I cant stop thinking about it though. Maybe i'll do it next year.

As for this year, well, last year, I came about as close as I've ever got to falling in love at first sight. He was a Belgian acrobat and he was the most beautiful boy i may ever have seen. He was all skinny and he wasnt especially tall. He was just perfect. He had the brightest blue eyes, which stood out loads cause he had dark curly hair. And he had a lovely grin. *dreamy sigh*
Now, i pride myself on being a normal girl, boy wise. I've never stalked anyone, wrote endless love poems about anyone, sent bunches of black roses to anyone, starved myself cause of anyone, took years to get over anyone, never had any problems with Ex's. Nada, nuttin, zilch.
However, when stockton festival packed up and left, taking Belgian boy with it, i just couldn't seem to shake him out of my head. Maybe its just cause he's a bit exotic, you know, being an acrobat and being Belgian and having a hot accent and all. Either way, since then i have been partaking in a bit of internet stalkery with him. Harmless stalkering I'd like to add. Not all the time, not every day. Just the odd time when I've had nothing better to do. Not pouring over the internet for hours on end, not trying to find his email address so i could send him fanatic emails declaring my love for for him, nowt like that. Just the odd google of his name, or a visit the circus group's website. It was all pretty fruitless, seeing as most pages of googling his name were Dutch. But anyway, a few weeks ago, maybe a month ago, i was on Flickr, i think i was looking for photo's of derelict houses and stuff, when i got bored of it. And i thought, hmm, can't hurt to try. So i did. His full name didnt bring anything, but his first name did. On the first page as well. What a stroke of luck. I almost didn't recogise him minus the red spandex outfit. I'll link the picture now. I would post it straight but that would definately be weird. And im pazza that he might find it. I know the chances of that are like 1 in a billion or whatever, and even if he did there's a chance he wouldnt be abele to read it. But still, i know its not going very well, but i am trying to push the fact that im not a crazylady. Anyway, here goes. (yes i did add it to my favourites ok) http://www.flickr.com/photos/stijnvandenbrande/1069910940/
Nice, huh. The comments underneath about him are really sweet as well, i thought.
Woooosh. So there you go, maybe i turned into a bit of a crazylady, but only a little bit.

And its Valentines day today, I should have turned into stalker hardcore mode and found his address and posted him a love note.
Seriously though, valentines day i dunno, im pretty soppy but i can't make my mind up on weather its just a load of corporate bollocks, or weather its sweet and nice. I guess it depends what you do really, giant teddies and boxes of chocolates and roses are all a bit tacky really. Whereas a suprise midnight picnic of waffles and hot chocolate would be much nicer, but a lot much colder, i guess you'd have to have a suprise picnic either in the daytime, or i dunno, in your kitchen or something. Either way, i'll remain undecided (and bitter) about Valentines untill i have a nice one i suppose!


Okay im going to bed now, i mean sleep. That's a lot of rambling, wonder how much i'd get if i was being paid £3 a word...